Inner Reflections

As mentioned previously, I've been on a tarot journey of late. It started with pulling cards for a monthly moon circle several years ago (over three, at this point). Then the circles went virtual and I had to get my own cards when the pandemic began, as I was unable to use the leader of the group's like I had been. I still held them at arm's length, only pulling them out once a month, until late last year.

Something about how I viewed them shifted. They're just pictures. But they're a set of pictures that pretty well encompasses the human experience (depending on ones resonance with the specific artwork, which took me a few tries) and they can be an excellent therapeutic shortcut to ones own inner workings.

For example. I started an examen practice last July. The format I use has changed as I've tried to find what works best for me, and I recently hit on something that feels right. I wanted to have a written mediation that didn't take up an entire page, and doing tiny doodles (in this case, different snowflakes) between the letters of the word breathe was perfect. I'd also been playing with a set of tarot stamps and finally hit on a layout that works well.

I'd have to look back through my journals to see when I started pulling cards for the fourth step instead of quiet listening (as is traditional). I honestly don't necessarily trust the wanderings of my ADHD mind to be perfectly constructive, and I've found that the cards are honestly more gentle and sometimes even complimentary than I would be inclined to be on my own. Depending on my mental/emotional state when I do this on a Friday night, I sometimes struggle to think of a high from the prior week - or to accurately gauge a low.

Journaling and pulling cards are parallel practices to me - just having the visual from the cards sometimes helps me need fewer words to arrive at a point (isn't there a quote about that?) I either nod, or violently disagree, or stare in confusion before pulling out the guidebook to see what the artist meant by it, and either way I learn something about myself.

It's been an interesting exercise to embrace self discovery without trying to clean out my mental closets. That's still usually my initial response to illuminating a shaded corner - oh gosh yikes wow um how can I fix this - but I'm trying to gently dust everything and leave it as is. Turns out most of the spiders were just bits of yarn that only moved because I walked past them. Reparenting myself with gentle understanding rather than judgment is a gradual journey, but keeping a record helps me see how far I've come in my thinking, as well as providing proof that I do have the capacity to change when it's needed - but also, that I'm okay.

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