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North Star

I have observed a phenomenon in some people that I call "directional insecurity." It's when someone hears the GPS tell them "take the exit" and the exit sign says that is goes to the place they're trying to get to, but the person then doesn't take the exit and ends up calling for help from an intersection several miles away from where they should be. This baffled me for a long time - why can't people follow directions? - until my husband (who is good to shift my black and white tendencies into the grey areas of nuance and empathy) pointed out that at its core it's a lack of confidence in ones own ability to follow directions. A constant questioning of ones own judgment and discernment.

That is - how shall I put this? - not something I struggle with. Yes, I tend to do a lot of research before attempting something new, but then I apply my research in the field, with confidence. I knew how to get from where I would be living to where I would be working the summer I spent in New York City, though I hadn't actually ever set foot on in a subway - and I left my car and flew in with every intention of embracing public transportation (I only got on a train going the wrong way once, and it was on my second day there!) As long as I can get back to where I started from, I don't consider myself lost - and I've never yet been lost.


Page from Morgan Harper Nichols' book How Far You've Come

At least, not in a literal, physical sense. I'm pretty good with a roadmap and a compass - but my internal guidance system is another story. Somewhere along the way, I absorbed the idea that it's necessary to have an explainable reason for every action and decision, and "it felt like the right thing to do" is not considered adequate. That resulted in a lot of overthinking and underdoing, absorbing lots of new information on a variety of topics - and then filing it away for future review, when I had gathered whatever amount it takes to support a decision (which is basically an infinite amount).

That's begun to shift recently. I've been doing a lot more journaling, connecting my own dots, and seeing the ways that I've changed and the times that my intuition was absolutely right about things. I've also been noticing more synchronicities and trying to follow them - recognizing that sometimes the answer I'm looking for doesn't have to be written in the clouds because it's already inside me, if I'll only learn to listen to my own North Star.

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