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Pride

#attunedpracticetuesdays: where we share the rituals and routines that are aligned with our sense of peace and wellbeing

During The Dark Years (circa 2004-2019), I recall joining someone in wondering why "those people" feel the need to make queerness "like, their whole personality" (probably over some hapless barista with a small rainbow flag pin on their apron). I was a practiced asshole, a closeted queer person trying to survive in a context that condemned my very existence. (As a side note, I think I have apologized to everyone I need to from that time period, but if I overlooked you, please know the omission was not intentional).

At the time of that conversation, I wouldn't have considered it odd for someone to have verses of Christian scripture wrenched from their context and plastered on every conceivable household item and accessory. It wasn't the identifying that was the problem, it was the specific identity. But as someone who is now never out of sight of a rainbow, I think I'm beginning to understand - my own motivations, at least. I can't speak for anyone else.

Some of my pride-related gear is a way of finding others like me (the septum piercing that was my birthday gift to me has dramatically increased correct pronoun usage). But it's also for me - a reminder to not pretend to be something I'm not in order to try to fit into a particular situation. Because the temporary sense of safety is not, for me, worth the self betrayal. And it has the side effect of reducing those situations, since being overtly queer coded causes people who aren't interested in that to avoid me (leaving everyone involved - or not - happier).

Having a life full of rainbows (and other relevant-to-me symbology) is a practice in self acceptance that I pursue with great intentionality. It comes with risks, but they're worth it for the peace I feel living out of the closet, in the full spectrum of who I am.

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Amy said…
Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.
August 3, 2022 at 9:53 AM
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