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Closets and Constellations

Several years ago, I very cautiously went to an intro to astrology class at Bella Vita Jewelry, and had the pleasure of meeting Michelle of Moon & Myrrh. She is a delightful, thoughtful, and informed human being. The whole concept made me wildly uncomfortable but also spoke to me on a certain level, so I did my own research and asked lots of questions (which she answered very graciously). I slowly (by slowly please understand that it took a solid year and a half--I do not embrace change willy nilly) began to integrate what I was learning into my life, because it honestly just made so much sense.

I'm a Gemini sun (that points to my core values and motivations), Capricorn moon (that's the framework my emotions hang on), and a Leo rising. Rising sets off your own astrological year, which is why these blog posts have been organized the way they have. Rising/the first house is the house of self and appearance - and Leo is bold, confident, generous but also craving recognition. (If you are interested in learning more, I highly recommend following Michelle on Instagram, and supporting her on Patreon! And of course if you're local to the Little Rock area, she does have classes regularly with Bella Vita).

So to recap, I've got a curious and friendly core, an extra-glittery presentation, and I think my feelings. These are things that I already knew, but astrology gave me tools for better understanding those aspects of myself, and also rhythms for adjusting those areas so they can function at their best. 

But. If you've known me for more than about three years, you may have heard me refer to myself as an introvert, and also express lots of other concepts of self that run counter to what I've just said. That would be because, from childhood, every time I was told some part of who I was as a person was deemed unacceptable, rather than deleting it altogether, I put it into storage (an advantage of thinking my feelings, and also the stubbornness that comes with that). So much of me went into that box that it reassembled into a whole entity. Sometimes when I was falling asleep at night I would let that person out and create story worlds for them to explore. But that left voids to be filled in my waking hours, and I did the best I could. Sometimes I replaced something with its opposite (as with extroversion/introversion) and sometimes I elevated the importance of something (like embracing knitting with the enthusiasm I naturally felt toward writing). 

I recently cleaned up old blog posts and my Instagram feed (I deleted or archived something like six thousand photos) and cried as I did it - not because of loss, but because I wanted to go back and hug my past self. She was trying so hard, and had so little support, and was carrying so much more than anyone should have to carry alone... and she made it through, and somehow managed to not only survive but also to gather the tools needed to become who I am now. Bless her heart.

Moving forward, I want to honor both the work she did and also the person I'm becoming. I also don't want anyone I come into contact with to feel like closets are for anything but clothes, which is why (here and on Instagram) I'm planning on practicing that integrity I mentioned in my last post and being a lot more open about myself and my processes from here out.

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