Thursday, September 24, 2015

Doubt...

The weekly reckoning...
1970. Time to do laundry and pack while Adam worked in the morning, before leaving for Fayetteville in the afternoon
1971. The extended knitting time provided by a three hour car trip
1972. Good local coffee, with plenty of easy parking, that's open late (four requirements that not a single cafe in Little Rock meets)
1973. Brooklyn and Tobin's bravery during a longer-than-usual visit to Adam's parents'
1974. Errands and introvert-time for me and a car-nap for Tobin
1975. Visiting local businesses, and having a relationship with the owners that makes it "visiting" rather than "shopping"
1976. A rainy Sunday morning and an excellent church service
1977. Brooklyn eating marshmallows and watching the fire
1978. The annual cookout at my parents' church, and that we were able to go
1979. Tobin taking a good morning nap before our trip
1980. Lunch with Adam's family on our way out of town
1981. Relatively peaceful travels home from Fayetteville
1982. Corporate prayer
1983. Everyone making it through The Gathering happily, even after a rough night
1984. Unplanned birthday lunch with Adam
1985. Dempsey Bakery still being open and still having both our favorite cookies (we went later in the day than usual)
1986. Celebrating fall with a new book (it's so hard to find a cute kids book that's fall and not Hallowe'en)
1987. Happy mail to enjoy and to share
1988. Brooklyn excitedly telling Adam about her day
1989. Tasks accomplished, and rest earned
1990. Successfully surprising Adam with a homemade dinner that he enjoyed (usually he cooks - and, I used some sneaky ingredients)


The existence of God is not something that I ever struggled with. The heavens declare the glory of God, along with physics and logic and language and mathematics, and the concept of an all-knowing, all-creative Deity was one that I could easily accept.

Where I got stuck, though, was love. Does God love me and If He's so darned loving, then why does _____ happen? My finite mind got all tangled up in time and space and my own tiny perception, and that opened the door to doubt.

Doubt that He cared. Doubt that He loved. Doubt that grace was really free (or even attainable). Each doubt lay before me like a dank stone step, leading me ever deeper into a miry darkness. Until there I was, stuck, clutching at each passing firefly in the hope that it might be a star, bound in a dungeon made entirely of my own distrust.

Until He reached in, uninvited but desperately longed for. With a light that blinded my eyes, so accustomed to darkness, He pulled me out with a hand so strong and gentle and warm that warmth seemed to flood my entire being and said, so directly and so clearly, "I love you and you are mine." 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption as sons {and daughters} through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, in which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth. {Ephesians 1:3-10}

The Breath of Life awakened me --- blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, loved, predestined, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, united --- Water washed the mud away, and with it, the doubt.

Blending One Thousand Gifts with Five Minute Friday - a weekly flashmob of bloggers that gather, internet-wide, to write for five minutes (no stopping, no editing) on a prompt provided by sweet Kate, then link up and share a little comment love. For more info, more posts, and/or to join in, head here!

8 comments:

Kim Adam said...

Stopping by from Five Minute Friday... I've often contemplated starting the count of my 1000 (and so many more!) gifts and yet I've not done it. I think it might just change my life. Oh how easy it is to get tangled up in our doubts and forget just Who it is we serve! What a beautiful reminder!

Mary Geisen said...

I have those doubts too. Oh my goodness I can relate. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Courtney Harris said...

I loved this paragraph!! "Until He reached in, uninvited but desperately longed for. With a light that blinded my eyes, so accustomed to darkness, He pulled me out with a hand so strong and gentle and warm that warmth seemed to flood my entire being and said, so directly and so clearly, "I love you and you are mine."

Tara Ulrich said...

Love: "The Breath of Life awakened me --- blessed, chosen, holy, blameless, loved, predestined, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, united --- Water washed the mud away, and with it, the doubt!" Visiting from FMF where I'm parked in the #11 spot.

Andrew said...

Well-said! I agree with Tara..."The Breath of Life awakened me..." just grabs you by the heart.

Great stuff.

#2 at FMF this week.

Susan Shipe said...

I always enjoy visiting here. Breath of Life, breathe on me. xo FMF42

Amy said...

Many of those same doubts have tangles my heart up to the point that all I can do is pray "I believe; help my unbelief

Holly Barrett said...

Love your list of gifts. I've thought several times about starting my own list and have never done it. I might have to give it a try because there's nothing like a list of blessings to chase your doubts away!