Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Why Pause?

I've been writing about Practicing Pauses on Tuesdays for the past few months - today, why I practice pauses.

I am exhausted - and I feel guilty for being exhausted (which is, in itself, exhausting). While Brooklyn and Tobin are extraordinarily easy-going, one or both of them requires something of me at all times, from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed. My energy evaporates like a puddle on a partly-cloudy day - not quickly, but at the end of the day, all that's left is a slightly dark spot on the pavement.

"It's ok" to just focus on my two Tinies - but at this stage, they're not really taxing my intellect. Tobin likes to be snuggled and fed on demand, and appreciates having his diaper changed promptly. Brooklyn brings me books to read, lids to remove, a fresh diaper when she needs one, and requests meals when she's hungry. In a strange sort of paradox, I am bored but also tired. Creation fuels me, and there are only so many ways to read Are You My Mother? aloud.

When I'm drawn to books like Breathing Room and Finding Spiritual Whitespace, I initially scold myself. bullying my own psyche with the dreaded question professionals ask of stay-at-home-moms: "But what do you do all day?" Nothing. That's what you do. You sit around and hold a cute baby and read books to an exemplary toddler - you don't even have to cook dinner or stress if the living room doesn't get cleaned up, because you have an amazing husband who takes care of those things for you, after getting back from the job that he works so that you can stay home. [That must be read with bitter condescension, for an accurate rendition.]

Without nothing constructive to focus on, my mind can get pretty hostile.

But I want to tell a better story. I want to demonstrate a lifestyle of co-creation to my Littles, and invite them to join me. I want to share my passions, and encourage them to pursue their own. I want to be steeped in Scripture, constant in prayer, and attuned to the Spirit's leading. I want to live life abundantly, so that I can watch my children grow up and teach them to fly, without being left in an empty nest wondering who I am and what on earth I'm going to do now. I want to grow - to learn - to change - to thrive.

And so, I pause.

Why is (or should be) the purpose of the pauses in your life?

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