Thursday, July 31, 2014

Finish - and Begin Again

It's Five Minute Friday! A weekly gathering of bloggers, all joining together to write for five minutes flat (no stopping, no editing!) on a prompt provided by the lovely Lisa-Jo, then linking up and sharing a little comment love. She's no longer hosting FMF after this week, but it will be picked up and lovingly carried on by Kate. For more details, more posts, and/or to join in, head here!

As a side note, this is last week's prompt combined with this week's prompt, because I was otherwise occupied over last weekend.

[This picture is from my summer with Vogue Knitting. I had designed a blanket for Knit Simple and it ate my September. I locked myself in my room to work on it (because my roommate had cats that shed as all cats do) and when I came out at the beginning of August she was so happy to see me that she took me to dinner and then lent me an enormous tote bag so I could get it safely to work, by way of the crowded subway.]

I am a dogged Finisher of Things (my mother will laugh at that, remembering all of the stacks and piles of things that I left, and still leave, unfinished in my wake - but it's because they're not finished and I want to finish them that they get left out! Ahem. Moving on...) As such, I work pretty well under the pressure of a deadline. Take that blanket, for example. I had a start date, a finishing date, a number of motifs that needed to be made, and then I timed how long it took to make one and multiplied. And then I shifted the finishing date from the proposed deadline to the day before the photoshoot (because I knew when that was) and starting looking at "days" in 24 hour segments. Between an actual full time job, the blanket, and two other deadlined pieces, I worked between 8 and 18 hours a day for 28 days straight, with 4 hours of sleep a night (yes, I bit off more than I should have; no, I haven't done anything like that since; you're only 22 once and New York City does things like that to you) and by dint of probably shortening my prospective lifespan by several years, I finished several days before the shoot.

I don't do that sort of thing now - on purpose, though a small, sentient Adventure was born to me that seems bent on having me relive those days, without the gratification of a deadline met and a project completed. Some days, I'm finished. Not the "completed" kind, the "I really don't think I can continue to function if this is how it's going to be" kind. I think I get over a phase about a day before she does, but in a different sense. Because not knowing when the end will come drains my ability to hold out hope until it does.

But I've resolved to be finished with that, and to begin anew. I'm finished with relying on my own strength to make it through a day - and I'm going to begin relying faithfully on God through prayer. I'm finished with listening to (and crying in the car over) the parenting comments of the bitter women at the table next to ours - and I'm going to begin doing what works for our family without shame. I'm finished cropping my photos and my life, trying to match an ideal that no one else is really matching, either - and I'm going to begin living authentically out loud, so that maybe others will be emboldened to do the same. I'm finished trying to be someone I'm not, in order to please people who don't matter - and I'm going to begin embracing the person God made me to be and the purpose He designed me for.

What do you need to finish so that you can begin afresh?


blestbutstrest said...

I'm going to finish with my worrying so that I can start the school year fresh :). And then there are all of those 'crafty' project that I have in my closet that I need to pull out and finish...

Angie said...

"I'm finished with relying on my own strength to make it through a day - and I'm going to begin relying faithfully on God through prayer."

I love this and this was why I am your FMF neighbor! I have been a Christian for many years, but God is revealing more and more the power of prayer! Love this! Thank you!