Skip to main content

Lost...

It's Five Minute Friday! An internet-wide flashmob of bloggers, joining together to write for five minutes flat (no stopping, no editing!) on a prompt provided by the lovely Lisa-Jo, then linking up and sharing a little comment love. For more info, more posts, and/or to join in, head here!


I never fitted into cliques well - every girl who was forced by some more thoughtful parent to "befriend" me soon abandoned her polite facade when it became apparent that I wasn't going to conform to whatever commonality her particular circle was bound by. Unhurt, I would find the outcasts who were forced to accept each other as they were. That's something I've always loved about knitters - the only thing a group of people can have in common is knitting (a range of ages, occupations, genders, cultures, religions, politics, and personal lifestyle preferences can be represented) and yet they still manage to have an enjoyable time together.

But somewhere along this journey, I've woken to find myself in a dark wood. It seems that despite every convention I've staunchly bucked - home educated, opting out of college, wholly uninterested in men (until I met the one who became my husband...), an oddly unconventional choice of occupation, taking myself on adventures that frightened and concerned people who weren't even related to me and hadn't known me for long, a persistent faithfulness to doing things the right way when I know what the right way is (that one mostly applies to grammar and the English language in general), and an equal bent toward doing things the best way even if it's not considered "right" (but only once I have a good grasp on the subject) - something has finally arisen that has wrenched me into an unnatural shape: motherhood.

Frankly, I've been horrified by the amount of judgement and downright hatefulness that exists among women who should be on the same side. Instead, lines have been drawn and hills have been chosen upon which to die - ridiculous ones like cloth-or-disposable, breast-or-formula, organic-or-processed... the lists go on. Somewhere along the line we've gotten the silly idea into our heads that in order to validate our own position we have to tear someone else's down and we're so shattered from repeated blows (intentional or perceived) that we lash out defensively the instant we sense a variance of opinion.

Admittedly inexperienced, I fell silent. I turned off my music that no one liked and ceased the almost constant stream of out-loud commentary on life that I had kept up 'til then, put away my books and any crafts that weren't obviously domestic, and slowly began to become someone else. But I was made to be someone, and I can't fulfill whatever purpose I have as anyone other than that person - and if we would only admit it to ourselves, we all start out at the same experience level.  From that point, we learn and pursue things that interest us, but no matter what we know, there was time when we didn't know it.

It's a horrible feeling to be lost - but having realized that I am, I'm working my way back to the path that I'm meant to be on. Looking at the books on my shelf and the design sketches in my notebooks, trying to recapture the person whose most-repeated phrase was where's your sense of adventure? and beginning by asking myself that very question and determining to ignore the will-o-the-wisps of social pressure that try to lure me into a forest of conformity.

So, what ghost-lights have tempted you to stray from the person and purpose God designed you as and for?

Comments

Karen Brown said…
Oh, what a refreshingly honest post! Thank you for sharing your heart here. I think women, especially, do this to each other. We find inconsequential things to separate and validate us. This line is so true:" Somewhere along the line we've gotten the silly idea into our heads that in order to validate our own position we have to tear someone else's down " But the good news is, in His Kingdom, you are never lost. You are at the center of all that He offers! I'm so glad I stopped by and found this post...
nellers said…
It's so sad that we as women do this to each other. I hope you continue to find where you belong and who you were meant to be and be happy in who that is.

Popular posts from this blog

31 Days of Unraveling Designs

It's that time of year again... the 31 Days writing challenge starts today! Bloggers from all over will be writing every day of the month of October on the topic of their choosing. This will be my fourth year participating - the first year I did 7 for 31, and spent a month going through Jen Hatmaker's book 7. The second year I did 31 Days of Sustainable Dwelling, and wrote about local and fair trade living. Last year I was busy but still wanted to participate, so I went the easy route with 31 Days of Everyday Beautiful.

This year I'm diving into my greatest passion: knitting! I'll spend this month looking at past designs and talking about the inspiration behind them, so there will be plenty of regular life mixed in with the stitching - and there may be discount codes for the patterns that I write about. You'll just have to read and see!

Pattern index:

Pageturner Mitts
Hogwarts House Tie
Urban Artemis
Shake
Gem
Graffiti for Humanity
Love Out Loud
Refuge
Strange Jacket
Eft
Junc…

Motivate...

In order to change your knitting, you must first change yourself. I've lost track of how many times I've said that, or how many people I've said it to. Frustrated new knitters wondering why their work is loose or tight or uneven or really anything less than perfect. But something I love about knitting is that it's a record of your inner dialogue. That swatch knit at the yarn store table with a cozy cup of coffee and a helpful (and more experienced) knitter nearby is going to be a lot more relaxed than the sweater begun a week later while sitting next to a hospital bed - just like the knitter.

Unfortunately, this also applies to my own knitting. For years, I was apparently unaffected by the shifts and turmoils in my own life, so I assumed that I was exempt from the rule - when the reality was, in fact, that I wasn't really experiencing any of those on anything deeper than a surface level because everything was deadened by depression. When I finally started to really…

Spark

A few years ago, I was introduced to the concept of replacing the traditional list of resolutions with a single word. It appealed to me - I am not a big list person, but I love language and words and meanings and etymology and metaphor and... ahem. Ennyhoo. I liked the idea.
I've never chosen the word. It's always presented itself to me - and last year was no different. Pacific was very insistent, even though I tried to argue with it. Pacific? What does that even mean? What am I supposed to do with that?
But I accepted it, and I'm glad I did. I learned about depth and calm, about storm and nurture, about faith and adventure - and about the unstoppable ocean of God's grace, that overwhelms to fill and cleanse and bring blessings unasked.
So I'm bidding pacific a very fond farewell, and welcoming spark and whatever lessons it would like to bring. I invited it in with a copper wire punctuated with tiny lights and wrapped around my mood board, and I've got an empt…